“Time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.” – Taylor Swift
How could I not open this post with a quote from the young lady that is absolutely lifting the entire economy through her Eras Tour? Honestly.
This isn’t about Taylor Swift though. It’s about finding yourself and I have been trying to do that for a while now. On that note, let me share another lyric from Chase Rice…..
“When I need someone to remind me who I am, Carolina can.”
In just a few days we will load up the vehicles and journey to Corolla, North Carolina. Many call it the Outer Banks. If it’s any indication, the last time we made this journey, it was just the five of us. We would go every summer. Life happened. Mission trips, travel sports, college visits, job requirements, etc. If you know, you know. Somehow we lost our opportunity to carve out time for a pause.
Now there are not five, there are 8 of us.
Our children now all have “special friends.”
Our oldest graduated from college in the spring, has a big boy job, and lives with friends.
Our middle will graduate from college next year (in 3 years) and has a special friend.
Our youngest leaves for college in mid-August and has a special friend.
Much has changed since our last visit to Duck Donuts in North Carolina.
Like the lighthouse on Cape Hatteras, my bride has been a constant through all of the growing, changing, and storms. Her job remained steady and the same. Her faith has never wavered. Her leadership is the beacon in whatever our family has gone through since our last days in the OBX sand.
Our kids have been like the wild horses you find in the Outer Banks. They have explored and grown and learned to adapt to this ever-changing landscape in life. Covid, cancel culture, and what you identify as. They have remained consistent, who they are, and free. I’m so proud of who they are. I’m so glad we let those ponies run and be who they are.
And then there’s me……
Look, I’m not here to make this post about me. It’s not. For all of what I listed above, I am the kite in the hurricane. I’m the one that changes careers, chases adventures, and lives Unscripted. I’m the one they give grace to because honestly…..
“I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
Maybe it’s no coincidence that the last time we were in OBX, life made sense. My job was secure. Finances were secure. I was running and physically fit. I knew my place in the world and my family. Carolina reminded me of who I am. Time passed and we haven’t been back and now, I just don’t know.
A few weeks ago Princess 1.0 and I watched a documentary on Netflix. The subject of “Imposter Syndrome” was discussed. For the first time, I maybe realized who I really am.
Imposter syndrome is the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite being high-performing in external, objective ways. This condition often results in people feeling like “a fraud” or “a phony” and doubting their abilities.
Will a week on the sand and at the beach help me “find it?” I just don’t know. I just know it all makes sense when I step away from the microphone, keyboard, and social media. When I watch my bride be in her happy place of loving and nurturing our children (and their others). When I watch my kids fully alive and knowing who THEY are.
Changes in latitude (shoutout Jimmy Buffet) can’t change who we are in Christ. Sun and sand and silence can’t either. I know that. Life and changes. Wins, losses, and much more have taken me off course.
I guess maybe I’m still trying to find it.